June: AoM, Jack Huppert
Welcome back people. How many of you are there? Leave a comment. Or not. It's cool *cries in corner*...
Who was that? Anywho, I'm back. This month, we have our friend Jack Huppert here to play with us! Not like that pervs. Play as in art and jokes. You can take our word for it, he's a funny hair on an elephants butt (dude). You should take a read, laugh, sip your cognac and listen to pop-jazz while paruzing Jack's designs on the BitB website! I don't need much wittiness due to the hilarity of the conversation these two had... so without any further how-do-you-do...
***DISCLAIMER*** This interview was edited, however, nothing was added or subtracted. Ant just has really bad spelling and grammar. The REAL words that he was trying to type have been corrected. Keep in mind this interview was conducted under false pretenses and through a FaceBook conversation.
ANT
JACK!
JACK
yea!
ANT
Hey, Tom sent me yur interview stuff I gots more questions.
JACK
o. questions you say.
sweet
ANT
Prepared for our interview?
WHAM! WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT A PANDA OR GEORGE LUCAS WITH A LIGHTSABER!? That’s what I do, I hit ya when ya don’t expect it.
JACK
Let me put on a shirt.
ANT
k
*waited 7.23454 minutes*
Classy... Toooo classy...
Take that shirt off then answer the question!
JACK
A panda would totally win. I hear they are pretty good at Kung Fu.
ANT
Finish this sentence... Sarah Palin likes to shoot (noun) when she heads to (state) for good old fashion (activity).
I notice you like cereal killers how do you reply?
JACK
Female protagonists, California, chalkboard eraser fight.
I don't mind Cereal killers, I hear Count Chocula is a pretty swell guy.
ANT
Also... what pulled you towards a Robo-Washington and not a Robo-Lincon? Is it because robot Lincon has been done?
Notice I can’t spell Lincon.
JACK
Robo-Washington has a secret final move; he pulls out his artificial set of teeth and chomps off your head.
I don't mind Robo Lincoln. Never tells the truth.
ANT
If you grew your fu Manchu and I grew my fu Manchu and we went into a biker bar would people think we were tough guys or gay guys?
JACK
Out of the question. Everybody in the bar would bow to our manliness.
ANT
Agreed.
Now to switch it up a notch you interview me. Mostly about bacon... side note why didn’t you make a bacon related shirt?
JACK
If you were to eat a pound of bacon, what beer would you wash it down with, and what would you eat as a side?
ANT
Oooo... bringing out the big guns ehhh? I’d eat a pound of bacon wash it down with a gallon of liquid cheese with a splash of beer and prolly top the bacon with bacon bits!
JACK
Nice. I heard I story about this guy who made a shirt entirely out of bacon.
You know what happened to him?
I ate him. That's why you should never make a bacon shirt.
ANT
....
JACK
Unless you want to be eaten.
ANT
You sir are trying to scare me straight however it won’t work. Bacon saved me life. (despite the heavy editing I had to do in this interview, this part is not edited, he just likes pirate speak - Tom)
JACK
How so?
ANT
I’ve just been informed that you’re the artist of the month for June not May... Soooo, for the rest of this interview your name is Ben Rollman. You will assume his name, mannerisms and life.
JACK
sweet.
ANT
So Ben... If I were to tell you that you have 50 days to live what would you do? Keep in mind your grandma is a terrorist but is dying of cancer... go!
JACK
I would take over Disney World, and replace the theme songs with Daft Punk and Deadmau5 mixes and I would spend the next 49 days on the moon. In my moon base.
ANT
I’ve just been informed I can’t interview you as Ben so let’s try pretending you’re a banana.
JACK
I am a Banana!
ANT
Okay Banana Jack. Where are you from?
I will bunch you in the genitals.
Hahaha, seriously though if you don’t shape up I’m gonna split ya down the middle.
JACK
I go good with ice cream. I'm one of those bananas that grow well in western Wisconsin.
I was genetically developed by some students at UWRF, one male, one female.
ANT
Banana is not doing it for me... let’s pretend you’re Jack Huppert, man of mystery!
Did I say mystery? I meant misery.
JACK
Ok. All of a sudden this interview makes more sense.
ANT
Okay is 3 and a half syllables... where is Osama Bin Laden?
JACK
Ahhhh, he no here.
ANT
.. touché... your turn!
JACK
Random thought of the day: This interview is competing with my random persona.
Will attempt to thwart.
Has there been an interview more confusing than this one?
ANT
Indeed. I tried to get Jennie Z to admit she hated JUICE. Though the way she said it, it sounded like JEWSSSS. Only later to find out she was in fact a Jew and I sounded racist or religious hater or however ya say it, only to then again find out that she isn’t Jewish and knew the joke and was indeed playing me.
Well played J-Z.
Well played.
JACK
Wow, hopefully I won't start any religious fires tonight.
I keep my holy water close in case of accidents.
ANT
Fire keeps us warm.
OKAY now for the question all the ladies are asking...
Got any single bisexual or possible lesbian sisters/cousins/friends?
JACK
Not a single one unfortunately. They have all been spoken for.
ANT
Crap. Okay. Then one for the eligible guys out there... any single cousins, baby-sitters, friends?
JACK
Business has been good, nary a single female. I hate to bring you bad news guys.
ANT
Ooo… sorry this just in... we need to cancel you as artist of the month for June... umm something came up... ummm (insert famous artists name here) finally came through for us... it’s not you, it’s us...
JACK
In the words of the Dark Lord, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ANT
And by dark lord I assume you mean... (insert racist comment) ((possibly one president of some sort of united states))
JACK
At least he's on a bike exercising. George Bush.
ANT
.. you lost me at Georgia O’Keeffe
JACK
lawl
ANT
Okay, now for something a little more professional, as far as question based interviews go...
If 7057 - 757(456^5)= X what does X equal in roman numerals?
JACK
The Romans had no concept of negative numbers.
Especially that one.
ANT
You sir failed our test the correct answer, as any amount of roman numerals would have sufficed as we, at BitB, don’t check for correct answers.
sad panda (;_;)
That’s one sad panda...
JACK
Sad as they come.
ANT
All right I always like to end an interview with the question but my lawyers tell me I have to ask one more after so here is my second to last question....
Pi, a potato chip that looks a little too much like mother Teresa, and a Hostess cupcake.
Kill one, Fuck one, Marry one, which do you choose?
JACK
Fuck Pi, marry the hostess, and kill the chip.
and the final... lawyer approved question... Why... why do you want our approval? Also did OJ do it?
JACK
Let's see. In accordance to election rules, each campaign ad needs approval. OJ never got approval.
That's why he did it.
JACK
Oh and one last thing.
ANT
OH SNAP! If the glove don’t, fit you must acquit!
JACK
Jack is well endowed with x and y and his utility function is u = x ½ + y
ANT
Interview concluded you sir win the prize of best interview of the night! Your trophy is in the mail!
--Ant
As always,
Love
Tom & Ant
BitB Crew
